But I feel a bit disconnected because, while I can read the Hebrew and know it is prayer, I do not pray and feel that something is wrong.
I just sing the words but have trouble when some of the words look different on the page from those in my memory. Carol and I were in Temple Sunday night and sang along with the professional quartet, who seemed to know the music just fine.
I have come to the conclusion that I know the rituals and prayers because of the music. I suspect that putting melody to words make the learning go more easily. Since I am not a musician I feel more comfortable in singing the base part if one of the two experienced choir members sing next to me. They each have a command of the Hebrew that I do not and can sing the entire repertoire from memory.
The Services are all about praying and I am missing the connection to the almighty God to whom the prayers are directd. I have never felt a need to ask for forgiveness or help to get something I badly wanted. I have never tried to speak to or with God without a congregation surrounding me. So, I have not established an all important relationship. I just sing the words.
It isn't easy singing the evening before an all day of services while fastng. I think the most egregious part is all that standing. Sitting down was a relief. I wonder if God insists on so much getting up and down. I'm not complaining. I have this need to explore the reality of a faith without belief although, in reality I do sing the words that some piously mouth. I wonder if they have ever had chats with the Deity.