This piece is occasioned by my having just come back from Morning Prayer and last night, also at Temple, praying.  This is strange because I do not believe in prayer. I don’t pray and cannot emphasize with people who automatically turn to prayer when in need of help or support.  Participation in Services is one prayer after another.  I think that what I repeat from memory or read or sing is the service and the words are saying things that are good and useful, but not prayer.  But, that is just me.

All this is by way of introducing my need to scan this passing year before the High Holy Days and particularly, Yom Kippur and the Day of Atonement.  I really do not think I have something to atone for.  I believe I have not intentionally hurt someone although a few have intentionally harmed me. So, this has gotten me to think over the rites of this holiday of the “Day of Atonement”.  It is the most important single holy day for Jews.  Since I sing the music in the choir and we practice long and hard we intend to make our contribution emotionally meaningful for others in the congregation. Some of the beautiful music and, in particular our harmonies, weigh on my feeling of well being since I read the prayers and think what the service means and I take it to heart despite not feeling guilty or needing to talk to or with God.

But, I am stuck with the idea that I should ask forgiveness for things I have not done.  Maybe it is my thinking of ways to “get back” at the few who have intentionally harmed me and this is something that I should try to get rid of.  I should not harbor ill-will towards bad people even though they are terrible human beings. I just know that when I am abused I SHOULD say something but I don’t and never have. In the face of someone else’s cruelty I shut down.  Some people look for trouble but I shrink from it.  This has never preventing me from saying something foolish or stupid. It is only lately that I have articulated some snappy responses to crude and cruel remarks directed at me.

Some years ago someone, who allowed himself to be part of a terribly bad event where others screamed and shouted and tried to shut me up at a meeting, phoned afterwards and wanted to speak with me.  I knew he was trying to atone for his part in it but I could not accept his saying “I am sorry”.  “I am sorry” doesn’t recall the words or erase the bad feelings.  The shock of being thought of and being treated in such a fashion cannot be remedied by words.  These are the same words that you say in prayer to make things right with an unseen god.  I have yet to see where and when prayer changes anything. 

If I could pray I would ask for the world to be healed of its bad people and their hurtful ways.  If we all could pray together and with the same words, what a wonderful world it might be.